Who I could have been (Dealing with Heart-Break)


You see a few months ago, I was a different girl.
I had different dreams, different views and a whole different life.
When I look to tomorrow, today will feel just the same.

Each new day, brings a brand-new cycle of what-ifs,
All playing the same role in the endless loop of the reasons why.

You see I could have been the girl of his dreams,
had he let me.
I would have shaped my heart to fit the mould of his broken but never healing heart.
But he was too blind to see how much I loved him,
Or was it I who could not see.
Could not see that no matter how much I tried,
How much I cared,
He was an ever-changing jig saw puzzle.

I could have been the girl who had chased her dreams then.
My life would have been on a set path,
One I had planned out and had control off.
All the failure, all the times I gave up would have never existed.
I would have been the one to prove that success can be a straight line;
not a messed-up maze.

The girl I knew then,
She would have been a beautiful slender girl,with a body to die for.
Had she only laid of all those chips and taken up exercising.
Especially when she felt pain,
The weight of the world crushing down on her small brittle shoulders.

Those are the times she should have been stronger,
Pushed down the feeling of shame,
The guilt that came from feeling all the sorrow and anguish.

She should have realised she was being a fool.
A fool for believing all their false words.
Her friends,
Her family,
They held their red flags proud and high,
But from her point of view,
Her view
All she could see were the hands holding them,
Opening in front of of her as if to embrace her.

She could have had all she ever dreamed off,
And I probably would not have been at this point in my life.

That is the sad thing about playing this game;
The student can never beat the master.
The What-Ifs know how to make you keep pressing
To keep you stuck.
They blindfold you from seeing the truth.

I wrote this, because I have been struggling with accepting letting go of someone I truly cared for. This person held a special part in my heart, but finally, I had to say no. This meant I was finally saying no to the hope of all we could have been. I kept questioning had I done this differently, or if I just kept holding on, things would be different. However, I came to realise this was the same struggle I had with all my relationships; romantically, with friends and family and even with myself.

I wrote this as a source of encouragement for me, and maybe for you. This is for all the times, you met him/her and had to let him or her go. The times family, friends and those you kept closest to your heart disappointed you. Remember, you grew stronger. You learnt what love should look like when you let the pain lead to healing.

For the times you let go of some of your dreams, gave up or failed, you were taught how to bounce back, faster and faster with each fall. You came to a point where each set back became a small pause in your end goal. It taught you endurance and courage.

Remember your current weight; body shape is not a reflection of who you are on the inside. It does not show all the battles you had to fight to keep your head above the water. Of the peace and joy, you struggled to gain as you morphed into the gorgeous butterfly you are.
Each time your body changed shape, you learnt to open your eyes to a whole new world. This was essential in the creation of the unique version of you. So, accept who you are today, do not let what the scale, beauty standards define who you are. For each time you let them take control, you let them be the master of your life. When this is only but a small fraction of who you are.

In all of this, do not forget to look to your support system. You were not meant to fight these struggles on your own.

Verse of Encouragement:

Exodus 17 vs 11-13 : Why you need a support system. Moses needed Aaron in order for the Israelites to win the war.

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