The chase of getting you to love me was exciting, It was dangerous, Full of plagues, Locusts waiting to devour what we had. Would you find me attractive? Would my character deter you? What if you found out I slept with the devil? The man who takes my thoughts, Slowly twists them until they became The blood that’s falls down my wrists. Whose best friend keeps me up at night, My body engulfed by the constant shaking. He turns your smile in bullets, Piercing my mind, And I rock back and forth. And then you did? Now the questions that kept burning in my head changed. Now my fear of losing you was real It was no longer a fantasy, It was something waiting to happen. The difference was before I thought you could fix it, But I realised you could not. It became my burden to face my fears on my own. I want to tell you all this, But I fear you may judge me.
At age 16 it was all dreams to one day date someone who would love me for me, and be there for me. Growing up in a society were women were treated more like possessions, one was left feeling like being perfect to expect the bare minimum. There were times it was so overwhelming. The fear of feeling like something cause the relationship to end, and it would be my fault. Crazy, right?
However, this was the reality. High expectations for myself low expectations for them. But it was not all bad. Relationships in high school were a lot easier to manage. Lucky enough to go to an all girls school, one had limited interaction, if identifying as heterosexual. Therefore, there was no need to worry about bringing up the topic of anxiety.
After starting college I never felt so lost. As every relationship became more serious, my worries became more real. It was hard to want to say I care, I like you, when you worried it would be stripped away. And if it did, I lived in constant panic. It became so bad, I stopped attending planned dates. But mostly I felt alone. My dream of finally having someone I was comfortable began to feel like a childish fantasy.
Now I look back the most painful thing, was I felt unacceptable because of my mental health. It led to hunger and desperation to keep the relationship from ending. After several relationships I had almost lost who I was. The most ashamed I had ever felt about my mental health.
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@ Neally Chingombe 2020