In Silence

The chase of getting you to love me was exciting,

It was dangerous,

Full of plagues,

Locusts waiting to devour what we had.

Would you find me attractive?

Would my character deter you?

.

What if you found out I slept with the devil?

The man who takes my thoughts,

Slowly twists them until they became,

The blood that’s falls down my wrists.

Whose best friend keeps me up at night,

My body engulfed by the constant shaking.

He turns your smile in bullets,

Piercing my mind,

And I rock back and forth.

.

And then you did?

Now the questions that kept burning in my head changed.

Now my fear of losing you was real

It was no longer a fantasy,

It was something waiting to happen.

The difference was before I thought you could fix it,

.

I realised you could not.

It became my burden to face my fears on my own.

I want to tell you all this,

But I fear you may judge me.

@ Neally Chingombe 2020

In Silence

Who I could have been (Dealing with Heart-Break)

PLAYING GAMES WITH THE WHAT-IFS

You see a few months ago, I was a different girl.
I had different dreams, different views and a whole different life.
When I look to tomorrow, today will feel just the same.

Each new day, brings a brand-new cycle of what-ifs,
All playing the same role in the endless loop of the reasons why.

You see I could have been the girl of his dreams,
had he let me.
I would have shaped my heart to fit the mould of his broken but never healing heart.
But he was too blind to see how much I loved him,
Or was it I who could not see.
Could not see that no matter how much I tried,
How much I cared,
He was an ever-changing jig saw puzzle.

I could have been the girl who had chased her dreams then.
My life would have been on a set path,
One I had planned out and had control off.
All the failure, all the times I gave up would have never existed.
I would have been the one to prove that success can be a straight line;
not a messed-up maze.

The girl I knew then,
She would have been a beautiful slender girl,with a body to die for.
Had she only laid of all those chips and taken up exercising.
Especially when she felt pain,
The weight of the world crushing down on her small brittle shoulders.

Those are the times she should have been stronger,
Pushed down the feeling of shame,
The guilt that came from feeling all the sorrow and anguish.

She should have realised she was being a fool.
A fool for believing all their false words.
Her friends,
Her family,
Herself.
They held their red flags proud and high,
But from her point of view,
Her view
All she could see were the hands holding them,
Opening in front of of her as if to embrace her.

She could have had all she ever dreamed off,
And I probably would not have been at this point in my life.

That is the sad thing about playing this game;
The student can never beat the master.
The What-Ifs know how to make you keep pressing
rewind,
To keep you stuck.
They blindfold you from seeing the truth.

I wrote this, because I have been struggling with accepting letting go of someone I truly cared for. This person held a special part in my heart, but finally, I had to say no. This meant I was finally saying no to the hope of all we could have been. I kept questioning had I done this differently, or if I just kept holding on, things would be different. However, I came to realise this was the same struggle I had with all my relationships; romantically, with friends and family and even with myself.

I wrote this as a source of encouragement for me, and maybe for you. This is for all the times, you met him/her and had to let him or her go. The times family, friends and those you kept closest to your heart disappointed you. Remember, you grew stronger. You learnt what love should look like when you let the pain lead to healing.

For the times you let go of some of your dreams, gave up or failed, you were taught how to bounce back, faster and faster with each fall. You came to a point where each set back became a small pause in your end goal. It taught you endurance and courage.

Remember your current weight; body shape is not a reflection of who you are on the inside. It does not show all the battles you had to fight to keep your head above the water. Of the peace and joy, you struggled to gain as you morphed into the gorgeous butterfly you are.
Each time your body changed shape, you learnt to open your eyes to a whole new world. This was essential in the creation of the unique version of you. So, accept who you are today, do not let what the scale, beauty standards define who you are. For each time you let them take control, you let them be the master of your life. When this is only but a small fraction of who you are.

In all of this, do not forget to look to your support system. You were not meant to fight these struggles on your own.

Verse of Encouragement:

Exodus 17 vs 11-13 : Why you need a support system. Moses needed Aaron in order for the Israelites to win the war.

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The Things I never Said (Learning to Love when all you know is Pain)

The Things I never Said

Dear Him

Looking back now, I realise how much I hurt you. For that I want to apologise. I apologise for all the times, you shared with me your personal achievements but I was too caught up in my own struggles to celebrate with you. I never took time to understand why you were so happy, but brushed it off as something small and insignificant.

For the times you needed my support but all I did was throw you a rope and then proceeded to cut it when I saw you begin to pull yourself up. You opened yourself up to me, hoping for encouragement and someone to lean on, but I thought that none of that fit my job description. I questioned why I should support you when it was you who was supposed to heal me. You were meant to be my crutch, instead of us being each other’s support system. So, I poured out all that hurt me expecting you to magically make it disappear, but that was a task no man could humanly do. You had so much going on, but I never thought it was possible for a man to hurt.

I apologise for casting my revenge for all the men that hurt me, onto you. You did not deserve to be treated as if you had committed a crime. You were an innocent man thrown into a prison and made to suffer for crimes committed by other men. I didn’t want to open my eyes to the fact that you could genuinely care for me, but waited in the dark waiting to pounce the moment you slipped up. I can see now the part I played in ending the helpless romantic I had fallen for, and how it led to you treating me the way I expected you to treat me. A man driven by lust and nothing else.

Through it all I am thankful for the good you showed me. From you I learnt that it is possible to find someone with the type of heart that causes you to love yourself even more. It’s one of the greatest gifts anyone has given me. Even though it hurt when I learnt we could not be, I am thankful for each moment. Without them I would have never gone on this journey, I would have never really understood what it meant to actually genuinely care for someone. For even though it had been a while since I had to let you go, instead of getting bitter and angry I began to actually care for you even more. Something I had never thought was possible.

Thank you for never really getting angry at me, and forcing me to see how much I hurt you, but letting me go and learning for myself. For genuinely dedicating time to read my long essays of a response, as I tried to figure out myself, even though it annoyed you to the core. For being patient with me for so long, though I never was with you. For caring for me, and letting me be unapologetic-ally me something no other man had ever done for me.

I am sorry I could not be the person you needed, but thank you for being that person for me. Do not let the pain pushed on to you by other women like me, who are hurting, be the reason you stop being the good guy you are. Do not let your anger fester, and make you lose hope in finding a girl who truly cares and shows you the love you genuinely deserve. It takes time and patience, you being alone for a while and weeding out all the pain till you find her.

You once asked me why I even cared about you, its for all the reasons I have come to see now. You are honest to a fault, patient, driven, able to put your own pain aside for someone else. Its your ability to notice even the smallest things but still not take advantage of a women’s weaknesses. How you are able to understand and comprise what you want, but still be open and willing to communicate.

So, every time you feel alone and tired of the search, always remember Its that hope and that kindness that you hold behind that cute smile of yours, that makes any women who is willing to see it fall in love with you.

Growing up in a society where the first thing I was taught was boys use girls and will leave you once they are done, I truly feared fear being in a relationship. Seeing how the men who surrounded me treated their wives, nothing pushed me to think otherwise. It took God placing two good men in my life for me to actually sit down and reflect on how I dealt with romantic relationships, after several failed and painful relationships.

This letter I wrote only shows but I few things I came to realize. However, it made me wonder how many of us girls/women are stuck in a world of hurt and carry so much baggage that we cannot realise when a good man walks in. We hurt those men, unknowingly and create a cycle of hurt people. We as women also need to be accountable for the pain we cause, and hope we can teach our daughters and sons how to deal with the pain that will come and not let it just fester. Too many of us are missing out on finding the one, cause we are to hurt to remove the blindfold over our eyes.

Verses:

What should love look like: 1 Corinthians 13

How to love as women (be a girlfriend/wife/mother): Proverbs 31

Type of love we should expect as women: Ephesians 5 vs 25- 31

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Are you worth it? (Finding your Confidence)

Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘ What are you doing for other?’

Martin Luther King Jr.

I could hear her, she was right there. “Who do you think you are? Why do you even bother? With all you have done, all those you have hurt. You do not deserve love. You are not beautiful enough, smart enough. YOU ARE NOT WORTH ittt…”

That girl I knew her, she was not foreign. She was my best friend. Especially on the darkest of days she was all I ever knew. She cradled me in her hands when no one else would. She was a constant. There in the morning and next to me as I lay in my bed at night. She was my worst enemy. She was me after all.

For as long as I can remember I have been dealing with my self worth and self love. I went through times where I truly hated myself, and on good days tolerated myself. For most people I know this is something they struggle with or either have struggled with. Its a never ending battle that for some has been a shield against the world, against having a life and fulfilling their dreams.

For me, it got worse when I moved thousands, I mean thousands of kilometres, from my support system to Australia for university. Initially I thought it would be great, a time for me to reinvent myself, make new friends, and meet some knight in shining armour to finally take all the pain away. But boy was I wrong. I went from minor depression to severe depression, and soon developed an anxiety disorder. I barely got of my room, or talked to anyone for months. I was angry at everyone and angry especially at myself for being so stupid. My relationship with God was non-existent.

I did dabble in getting professional help here and there. I did go searching for that knight🤣 , but was a rather miserable attempt. After a year of living like this I finally decided to take my mental health and self image seriously. The fear had taken all I had. It has not been the world’s most exciting journey, been painful at times, but it’s something I do not regret.

For those also looking to heal from this miserable state, be it from a mental health issue or not, here are somethings I learnt so far.

  • Self Love or self worth cannot come from within:

One of the first things I did when I began this journey was try find that love from within myself as we have all heard said. However, the honest truth you cannot find love where there was no love to begin with. I couldn’t tell my brain to dig deep and find something it was never programmed to do. It’s like a wound, the body can heal but without assistance it can get infected. This is true with healing from self-hate. When my head said I was not worthy enough, I needed something else to tell me I am loved and prove it to me. For me this came from redeveloping my relationship with Christ.

As I Christian I decided to define who I am in Christ. In him I found somewhere I can release all my burdens, my pains and all that terrorizes me. For when he died, he died on the cross he took it all away, the shame and the disgust I held for myself. It is because of his selfless love I found the freedom to heal, and I am still healing.

  • You should not just put yourself first, but balance loving others and self-care:

In my first therapy session my therapist asked me how do I love others? How do I treat them? This question took me completely by surprise, I honestly thought the whole point of me going to therapy, was me dealing with not being able to love me, not others. This question helped me really understand Mark 12 vs 30 -31.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your heart. The second is this, ‘ Love your neighbour as yourself. There is no greater commandment greater than these.’ “

The love you show your friend, when she is hurt when she messes up, is the same love you should give yourself. This does not mean you should not take care of yourself and deplete all you are on people. It means that you do need be able love and share compassion with those around you but also give and dictate time for yourself. Maybe 30 minutes before you get out of bed or before you sleep give yourself to to feel your emotions, so express them. Remember to keep living even if you are still healing.

  • You cannot do it Alone:

During both the dark times and when I started my journey I tried to fight it on my own. Though you may feel like this is the best, and you do not want to be a burden on others, this is not true. They only understand and support when you allow them to. No one can understand you if you do not let them in. On my darkest days, my friends and my family pulled me out of the dark trance more than I dare to admit. You need people who you are accountable to be. I personally believe your support system needs to be more than one person, as no human can provide you with all you need.

For those who have experienced traumatic experiences or deal with mental health illness please seek help. You cannot fight alone, and this goes for everyone.

I will post soon, a list of all the music, verses and Youtubers that have helped me with my struggle with self-love.

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Dating with Anxiety (Part 1)

What it truly means to date with Anxiety

Several months after our breakup, I sat down on the couch replaying all our memories together (definitely not one of my finest moments). It had been a while since I had last thought about him. An hour later I came to the realization I barely knew the guy I had spent the last year with.

When you are single people often tell you the reason you are single is because its not God’s time or God is still molding and working on you. This could not be any truer for me.

Dating on its own is a challenge, now throw in anxiety or any other mental illness you are asking for disaster. Most of the time you are in a relationship, it is just you wondering when is your next mental breakdown coming, would they be there to witness it or how long till they break up with you. I knew of nothing else in all my relationships.

With this kind of mindset and my track record of choosing any boy/man who looked my way, it is no hidden secret way none of my relationships have lasted. However over the time I spent being single I have come to understand these are the things I would have to constantly battle whenever I chose to date.

  1. It is easier for you to fall in love with a fantasy than with the real thing:

When you suffer from anxiety it is easy to feel as if you are not worthy of love. That your anxiety makes you a burden, and it is something you should be ashamed off. This can lead you to accept “love” from anyone willing to show it to you, and let your mind conjure up a mental image of who the person is, regardless of how they treat you.

2. You have tons of highly intensified fears:

Most people are scared that their partner will cheat on them, or one of their embarrassing traits will come out. However, when you have anxiety these fears become your living nightmare. Your boyfriend not replying your message, when you know he is free can send you spiraling down a dark hole. Living in constant fear of these fears coming true makes having a relationship even harder. Your fear of being cheated can lead you to believe he is even when there is no evidence. Living like that can lead to you projecting your worst personalities traits onto your partner.

3. You become a master of avoidance

Due to all these fears running through your head, when conflict or any red flags appear you tend to avoid the confrontation at all costs. Though you are scared of your boyfriend cheating on you, in most cases the true driver of all your worry is your fear to be alone. This makes it easier for you to work hard at being perfect, and please whomever you are dating to ensure they are happy and you don’t have to argue with them. This added stress does not make it easy to manage your anxiety, or to maintain any boundaries you had at the beginning of the relationship.

Though dating with anxiety comes with all these challenges, it does not mean it is impossible. It just requires a little work. You have to be honest with yourself, and with your partner about how you feel and why. This takes courage, and understanding who you are, and what you are truly made of. This comes with time, patience and truly getting to know yourself, allowing God to heal and be the center of who you are, before you enter any relationship.


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Welcome to my Blog

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline

2 Timothy 1 vs 7

We all have those days when life makes you feel as if you are going nowhere, and you feel completely lost. There are some things you write for just your personal growth, and you the more and more you talk about it, you realize you are not the only one.

Writing this blog is more than just a way for me to understand my own life, but a way to help the next girl struggling with her own insecurities. To give her the strength to continue moving forward, using stories and advice I have gained in my own personal life.

We all need someone to remind us of our worth, through the heart break, the failures and all the challenges life throws at us.