The Things I never Said (Learning to Love when all you know is Pain)

The Things I never Said

Dear Him

Looking back now, I realise how much I hurt you. For that I want to apologise. I apologise for all the times, you shared with me your personal achievements but I was too caught up in my own struggles to celebrate with you. I never took time to understand why you were so happy, but brushed it off as something small and insignificant.

For the times you needed my support but all I did was throw you a rope and then proceeded to cut it when I saw you begin to pull yourself up. You opened yourself up to me, hoping for encouragement and someone to lean on, but I thought that none of that fit my job description. I questioned why I should support you when it was you who was supposed to heal me. You were meant to be my crutch, instead of us being each other’s support system. So, I poured out all that hurt me expecting you to magically make it disappear, but that was a task no man could humanly do. You had so much going on, but I never thought it was possible for a man to hurt.

I apologise for casting my revenge for all the men that hurt me, onto you. You did not deserve to be treated as if you had committed a crime. You were an innocent man thrown into a prison and made to suffer for crimes committed by other men. I didn’t want to open my eyes to the fact that you could genuinely care for me, but waited in the dark waiting to pounce the moment you slipped up. I can see now the part I played in ending the helpless romantic I had fallen for, and how it led to you treating me the way I expected you to treat me. A man driven by lust and nothing else.

Through it all I am thankful for the good you showed me. From you I learnt that it is possible to find someone with the type of heart that causes you to love yourself even more. It’s one of the greatest gifts anyone has given me. Even though it hurt when I learnt we could not be, I am thankful for each moment. Without them I would have never gone on this journey, I would have never really understood what it meant to actually genuinely care for someone. For even though it had been a while since I had to let you go, instead of getting bitter and angry I began to actually care for you even more. Something I had never thought was possible.

Thank you for never really getting angry at me, and forcing me to see how much I hurt you, but letting me go and learning for myself. For genuinely dedicating time to read my long essays of a response, as I tried to figure out myself, even though it annoyed you to the core. For being patient with me for so long, though I never was with you. For caring for me, and letting me be unapologetic-ally me something no other man had ever done for me.

I am sorry I could not be the person you needed, but thank you for being that person for me. Do not let the pain pushed on to you by other women like me, who are hurting, be the reason you stop being the good guy you are. Do not let your anger fester, and make you lose hope in finding a girl who truly cares and shows you the love you genuinely deserve. It takes time and patience, you being alone for a while and weeding out all the pain till you find her.

You once asked me why I even cared about you, its for all the reasons I have come to see now. You are honest to a fault, patient, driven, able to put your own pain aside for someone else. Its your ability to notice even the smallest things but still not take advantage of a women’s weaknesses. How you are able to understand and comprise what you want, but still be open and willing to communicate.

So, every time you feel alone and tired of the search, always remember Its that hope and that kindness that you hold behind that cute smile of yours, that makes any women who is willing to see it fall in love with you.

Growing up in a society where the first thing I was taught was boys use girls and will leave you once they are done, I truly feared fear being in a relationship. Seeing how the men who surrounded me treated their wives, nothing pushed me to think otherwise. It took God placing two good men in my life for me to actually sit down and reflect on how I dealt with romantic relationships, after several failed and painful relationships.

This letter I wrote only shows but I few things I came to realize. However, it made me wonder how many of us girls/women are stuck in a world of hurt and carry so much baggage that we cannot realise when a good man walks in. We hurt those men, unknowingly and create a cycle of hurt people. We as women also need to be accountable for the pain we cause, and hope we can teach our daughters and sons how to deal with the pain that will come and not let it just fester. Too many of us are missing out on finding the one, cause we are to hurt to remove the blindfold over our eyes.


What should love look like: 1 Corinthians 13

How to love as women (be a girlfriend/wife/mother): Proverbs 31

Type of love we should expect as women: Ephesians 5 vs 25- 31

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Dating with Anxiety (Part 1)

What it truly means to date with Anxiety

Several months after our breakup, I sat down on the couch replaying all our memories together (definitely not one of my finest moments). It had been a while since I had last thought about him. An hour later I came to the realization I barely knew the guy I had spent the last year with.

When you are single people often tell you the reason you are single is because its not God’s time or God is still molding and working on you. This could not be any truer for me.

Dating on its own is a challenge, now throw in anxiety or any other mental illness you are asking for disaster. Most of the time you are in a relationship, it is just you wondering when is your next mental breakdown coming, would they be there to witness it or how long till they break up with you. I knew of nothing else in all my relationships.

With this kind of mindset and my track record of choosing any boy/man who looked my way, it is no hidden secret way none of my relationships have lasted. However over the time I spent being single I have come to understand these are the things I would have to constantly battle whenever I chose to date.

  1. It is easier for you to fall in love with a fantasy than with the real thing:

When you suffer from anxiety it is easy to feel as if you are not worthy of love. That your anxiety makes you a burden, and it is something you should be ashamed off. This can lead you to accept “love” from anyone willing to show it to you, and let your mind conjure up a mental image of who the person is, regardless of how they treat you.

2. You have tons of highly intensified fears:

Most people are scared that their partner will cheat on them, or one of their embarrassing traits will come out. However, when you have anxiety these fears become your living nightmare. Your boyfriend not replying your message, when you know he is free can send you spiraling down a dark hole. Living in constant fear of these fears coming true makes having a relationship even harder. Your fear of being cheated can lead you to believe he is even when there is no evidence. Living like that can lead to you projecting your worst personalities traits onto your partner.

3. You become a master of avoidance

Due to all these fears running through your head, when conflict or any red flags appear you tend to avoid the confrontation at all costs. Though you are scared of your boyfriend cheating on you, in most cases the true driver of all your worry is your fear to be alone. This makes it easier for you to work hard at being perfect, and please whomever you are dating to ensure they are happy and you don’t have to argue with them. This added stress does not make it easy to manage your anxiety, or to maintain any boundaries you had at the beginning of the relationship.

Though dating with anxiety comes with all these challenges, it does not mean it is impossible. It just requires a little work. You have to be honest with yourself, and with your partner about how you feel and why. This takes courage, and understanding who you are, and what you are truly made of. This comes with time, patience and truly getting to know yourself, allowing God to heal and be the center of who you are, before you enter any relationship.


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